In a few days Edmonton is host to the Fierce Awards which is about empowering women. I was asked to nominate myself and I just couldn’t do it! I couldn’t find anything that I would want to be proud of. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a failure, but I can’t seem to see myself in a positive light.
For those who know me, I am pretty optimistic. I would rather see someone smile than hurt. I even have a mantra echoing between my ears that I am in charge of my own happiness. I WANT to believe it but there is an invisible wall keeping me back. Could it be the grief that I’m still dealing with? Could it be the kids are testing their boundaries again? Could it be that I don’t have any intimacy in my marriage anymore? Could it be the dreaded PMS?
I need to be in control of MYSELF. My hope in writing is to release this negativity that has taken a hold of me. I have shed too many tears and spent too many wakeless nights. Also my need for Visine is slowly becoming an addiction. As I am writing this the tears are still near. I still need to be all those labels especially mom to my two boys. I need to start a bucket list.
A few years ago, I read EAT PRAY LOVE by Elizabeth Gilbert. She was at rock bottom and decided to take her life in a new direction. I feel like that now. I can’t be that drastic as Ms Gilbert. I have children and responsibilities here but I want to do something that is JUST ME.
So if you have a great idea that I can add to my list. Give me a shout!
I think that sometimes when we get near the bottom, its quite often the time we find our biggest strength. You are more than the titles you bear. Dont let those few words determine your worth. I'm very proud and honored to be all of those things, but I also tend to get lost in them. Starting today, trust that you are in a good place and that a better day starts now. Hang in there, you will find "you". Be the best that you can be, and the best will find you.
ReplyDeleteThank you April. I do find my strength when I see my boys. I want to be so much more for them, not just the titles. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDelete